always..and forever.

...

2010-12-04T09:33:00.000-08:00

if i could ever turn back the time, i would change a lot of things. but time cant be turned back. it's december again, the feelings are just like when you look at the sunset. you think back what you have done throughout the year, cherishing all the memories, be it good or bad. let go the past, move on, start over.

im changing my blog. so i guess i'll have to say goodbye, to everything here.

thank you, inexplicable dreams.

26.11.2010

2010-11-27T08:20:00.000-08:00

I woke up at 6.00 am today. BY wanted to bring me somewhere, it was supposed to be a surprise, but i kinda expected already. Lol. After all, kajang is not big, just a small town. Packed some stuffs and we started our journey..to broga. It is like a hill, near the university of nottingham. Hiking is not that kind of thing that i would like to do. Cause it meant getting all sweaty and dirty. Plus i haven't get over my phobia on heights yet, or the insects. Lol.

Climbing the hill was strenuous, and kinda scary to me. I have done jungle trekking before during the GG's camp, but it was much easier than this. As we got nearer to the top, the track was steeper, almost 180 degree from the ground. Maybe that was exaggerated, probably just 100-120 degree, at least. When we finally reached the top, not exactly the top, the scenery was breath-taking. I remembered it was just 8am. We sat on a big stone and took some pictures. We took some rest and we started our journey down the hill. I thought going down would be worst, but it wasn't that bad. Cause i was sliding down most of the time and someone was there to hold me all the way. Lol.

Just like the way you hold me when we took a step by a step down the stone made slide in my place garden. You walked backwards while holding me, and i was closing my eyes. I knew that i could trust you, and if i ever fall, you will be there to catch me. That is one memory that i will not want to forget.

The difference this time was that i must keep my eyes wide open. I wouldn't wanna risk our life. Lol. I wasn't feeling well that day as i was on medication, but maybe exercising is the right thing to do at the moment. Plus, i was kinda downcast the day before, maybe a challenging activity like this could distract me. Finally, we managed to reached the bottom and we drank coconut water to quench our thirst, before heading back home.

After that, we went to sunway pyramid to have brunch and watched harry potter. Everyone said that it was so awesome in fb, but i thought it was kinda draggy and a little boring. After movies, went to hang out at taylors, then we had dinner at pappa rich in subang.

I had a great day. Not just today is special, everyday is special when i'm with you. Thanks a lot darling. :)

emo

2010-11-24T09:01:00.000-08:00

I was typing about how pathetic my life is, but i decided not to post it so i saved it instead. A lot of things have changed lately, and im not used to it. I just feel very tired of caring about stuffs and being responsible for what im not supposed to be responsible for. My mum doesn't need a psychologist, neither does my brother. I think im the one who needs one.

2 decades of my life, i don't think they ever understand me. I know they love me, they gave me all i wanted, but they didn't give me what i needed. They have too high expectations on me, but honestly, im not that independent after all. Maybe i might seem very independent, but most of the time i feel afraid and very insecure. Im 19, im still a teenager, and i have all the rights to feel neglected.

I held back a lot of tears for the last 10 years. Just because my tears didn't fall in front of their eyes, it does not mean that im contented with life. I thought home was the best place to live in, but part of me now feels like running away to a far away place. I don't wanna be happy, i just wanted to feel less tired. I don't know, maybe im too sensitive or im just emotionally unstable at the moment.

You said one of the reasons why you want to be with me is because i came from a good background. Seeing things now, i guess you have changed your mind. Im a pessimistic person, i lack of confidence, im undecisive and et cetera, im not that great after all. And most importantly, im not perfect, and i never will be. I would be glad if you can accept all that, but if you don't i can understand it perfectly well.

Im sorry.

Losing battle - Day 4 and Day 5

2010-11-22T21:32:00.000-08:00

Day 4 and Day 5

Biological science paper was kinda okay, so nothing much. After exam, i went to taylors, crash BY's apartment that night, 1st time. The previous night i just slept for 1 hour, so i practically crashed. As in my whole entire system, especially my eyes and my brain. Didn't manage to study human physio cause too tired and it was completely last minute. Worst than memorising history form 4 + form 5.

This morning i drove back to college. I took the wrong turn, i was so blur, but thank god i found a way to u-turn and get to college on time for my exam. The exam was supposed to be 2 hours, i left 40 minutes earlier. I was the 3rd to walk out of the exam hall. Lol. I gave up already.

I dunno. Maybe i should be happy that it's over, but now i have to make an important decision.

Losing battle - Day 3

2010-11-19T23:36:00.000-08:00

I barely slept yesterday. Today's exam was not as bad as yesterday's one. MCQ was easy, but SAQ was killing. And after i finished answering question 1, 3 and 4 only i realised that question 2 is easy. I regretted for not reading it properly. When i realised, it was already too late.

Today was the first time i wore jeans to IMU because i wanted to wear something i feel comfortable in. When i entered the exam hall, TEL was lecturing about dress codes instead of exam regulations. And guess what, when i was halfway answering the questions, a lecturer approached me and took down my name and ID. I was like WTH, are they stupid or what? I felt like, i was halfway fighting in a war, then someone came and tell me that i forgot to zip my pants. =.= When i wrote down my name, i didn't know why but i kinda laughed cause it felt so stupid. One of the invigilators, i think he is a senior, saw what happened and saw me half-laughing, then he laughed at me. Swt.

This is actually the second time they took down my name. The first time was because i wore the hush puppies flat to lab. I usually wear my skechers, but the lab practical that day did not involve chemicals, so i wore the flats. And of ALL the freaking days, they decided to take down my name on that particular day when all we did was sitting there and building the structures of molecules. Funny thing is the same thing happened to Nicole, that day and today. Lol.

I can't wait to see the Dean. I have LOADS to tell him before i leave. =P

Losing battle - Day 2

2010-11-19T02:30:00.000-08:00

Today's exam was worst than expected.

I practically knew how to answer 30% of the paper, not knowing whether they are correct or wrong yet.

and the other 70% is gone.

but i know i deserve to fail because i didn't put efforts in it.

Losing battle - Day 1

2010-11-15T09:43:00.000-08:00

During the exam...

Question: Will precipitate be formed? Give a reason why.
My answer: Yes, precipitate will be formed. I don't know why.

After the exam...

Girl A talking to Guy B,
"My 'A' just flew away", in chinese.

Me talking to myself (is it called monologue)
"I think my 'pass' just flew away." Lol.

I practically gave up on general chemistry already, so screwed up.

I think i kinda changed Raoult's Law to Kathryn's Law. And all the theories to new theories, by ME. =.=

Halfway through the exam, i suddenly remembered something meaningful that my physic teacher in Form 5 said. "If you know how to do the question, just smile. But if you don't know how to the question, just laugh out loud." Lol. Then i think my stomach should hurt really badly now, due to excessive continuous laughing for 3 freaking hours.

Signing off. Gotta study organic chemistry. Wish me luck. =)

random thoughts

2010-11-10T06:10:00.000-08:00

im still searching for something in life, but i don't know what. i really wanna do something meaningful. something that life wants me to do. and when i take my last breath, i know i've lived.

life is not just about getting into school, going through the teenage years, graduate with a degree, work like little ants (i don't know why i used "ants" in this context.lol), getting married and start a family. so is that the definition of happily ever after? there's gotta be more to it, at least i hope there is. and i hope there is a reason for living.

i don't think being rich and wealthy is a success. but i think that if a person found a reason to live, and he lives his life contentedly, that's success.

i want to so something. but i dont know what it is. i need You to guide me to it.

...

2010-10-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

if this is life, then i'd rather not live anymore.

never again

2010-10-26T00:49:00.000-07:00

I have maths exam on friday and i should be revising now but my feelings don't allow me to.

this morning, i was half an hour late to my practical and i didn't eat anything for breakfast. after that , christina suggested the whole class to go lunch together at sri petaling at 12pm. i didn't go because i wanted to have lunch with you and study with you until 4 sumthin. i went sunway to buy kenny rogers because you said you were bored of the food at taylors and i bought hazelnut frappucino from coffee bean because you like it. the main reason why i wanted to find you is because today is special.

im not familiar with the parking at sunway and i got lost at the old zone. i had to get help from one of the guards to bring me to the new zone. parked my car, it was quite late already. i got angry because you didn't tell me whether your friends will have lunch with you. because if you wanna have lunch with them, then i won't be buying the food. but i decided to just buy cause even if you don't eat it for lunch, you can have it for dinner. i was rushing because i wanted to bring you your lunch after you've done the assignment with your friends.

came out from sunway carpark, i don't know how to get to your college. you called me so i asked you. and so happened there was a road block there and they saw me using the phone. had to bribe the police again, this time rm30. fine. got quite angry again and went to the taylors basement. tried to find the parking for almost 30-40 minutes but couldnt get. i went to a dead end, a car in front of me reversed so i reversed and i kinda bang my car on another car. screw that. then you came and helped me find but couldn't get also. almost got one, but some bitch driving a white myvi parked my place. anyways, she's damn ugly.

went to the basement again, there was a student who was about to go but you didn't wait. then i know you didn't really want me to be there. you said there was a car behind, that was why you didn't wait. i saw the car, it was quite far behind and you were already slowing down. so i said nvm, just take the food and i'll go back. you stopped the car. my eyes were already red by then, not because we couldn't get a parking. it was because i felt disappointed. all the things i did just to be with you, in the end i have to question myself, is it worth all the efforts? you always said i don't appreciate things that you do for me, have you appreciate what i've done then? if you don't have the intentions to see me, then just say so. i won't be there, i shouldn't have gone there at the first place.

after you walked down the car, tears already filled my eyes. i saw a parking space right before the exit, but i didn't park, i decided not to stay. i didn't know the way back. after the traffic light, i turned right. i ended up at some unknown place so i followed the sign board to go back home. i didn't want to call you and tell you im lost because i don't wanna trouble you. the board led me to midvalley and i went back home from there. i reached home, it was almost 3pm. although at first i was so hungry as i didnt eat anything since morning, when i reached home, i wasn't not hungry anymore.

you forgot today. you were the one who reminded me last week, but you forgot. i was the one who wished you first, not only this month, but also the previous months. i don't wanna be the one who remember anymore. even if i remember, i shall pretend that i forgot. you won't be here on this date next month or the following month anyways.

typing this, my tears are still falling. im not so important to you after all.

signing off. gotta do maths to distract myself.

...

2010-10-20T02:30:00.000-07:00

God, i don't want to decide anything using my mind or following my heart anymore. i've made a lot of wrong decisions, one mistake after another, followed by so much regrets. i don't know what to do anymore, i don't know what lies out there for me. i need You to tell me and guide me, cause im too tired to continue this journey while doubting myself every now and then. help me this time, please.

sunway outing

2010-10-18T09:00:00.000-07:00

on saturday, my mum, BY and me went shopping at sunway pyramid. although i know BY doesnt like shopping, he gotta get used to it cause his girlfriend loves shopping. =P i made him try some clothes from esprit, but he didnt like them. lol. instead he chose a collar shirt for me and he bought it. i love it, thanks darling. =)

at first we walked together with my mum, but BY got damn bored so we went to see his stuffs instead. i think lacoste is not worth it, but polo and ralph lauren looks nice. =) after 2 hours, we went to pappa rich for tea time. before we went back home, we stopped by the superheroes shop. BY have this superman shirt (that's why my aunt always call him superman. lol.) so he got me a superman shirt also. same kind, just that his one is blue, mine is white. but honestly, the shirt is kinda overpriced. it's not even branded. =(

btw, i owe u an expensive lunch darling. =)

T_T

2010-10-18T07:31:00.000-07:00

these few days, im not feeling well. yesterday night, the only food i had for dinner was 1/4 of the red bean bun. darling bought fish porridge for me, but i couldn't eat so he went out again to buy the bun and some bread. sorry darling, for all the troubles. =( then i went to sleep about 1opm. my head felt heavy and dizzy, and i felt nauseous at the same time. the thoughts of food made me feel like vomitting. the sleep i had was disturbed, and i felt very uncomfortable. at 4am, i woke up and went downstairs to have a piece of empty gardenia bread, which took me about half an hour to finish it. i was like half dead, and i suddenly had the urge to vomit so i did but just a little. i went back to my room to sleep after that.

woke up early this morning. decided to consult the doctor, so darling woke up early too and drove me to the clinic. the doctor said i have taken something that my stomach cannot tolerate so im having stomach infection. then we went to buy a packet of pan mee soup. i ate some, took my medicine and went to sleep as the nauseous feeling came back. in the evening, i felt a lot better although not recovered yet.

thanks darling for skipping class today to take care of me. =)

1st trip down to ipoh =)

2010-10-18T00:07:00.001-07:00

last weekends, i went to my boyfriend's hometown. that was my first time going to his house. i didn't wanna go at first, but since it was his mother's birthday, i decided that i should go. after all, it has been almost 1 and 1/2 years since my boyfriend and i were together. so on friday, he came and picked me up from college. then we went to petronas to grab some light snacks. he was so nervous, which i didn't know why but i was more to being excited. the journey there didn't seem long as we talked all the way through.

we reached about 7.30pm. his mum cooked that night, so we had dinner at home. after dinner, the three of us - BY, his mum and me had a talk in the garden. i was amazed by the amount and variety of plants in the garden, and the plants are well-groomed. his mum admitted that she likes gardening. after that, i went to take a bath. his sister came into my room (which is BY's room) and talked to me for a while before i slept. i felt kinda bad cause my boyfriend had to sleep in the guest's room that night. haha.

the next morning, we woke up early and went for breakfast at a famous dim sum restaurant. it was just 8.30am and the place was already packed. in comparison to kajang people, we do not separate breakfast and lunch, we just have brunch as we wake up in the afternoon. lol. after that, BY and i accompanied his mum to jusco to buy some facial stuffs. then his mum went of to meet her friend so BY and i spent some time walking around jusco. the jusco is kinda cool, there are brands like mng, guess, levis. or even starbucks, coffee bean, BR. i guess that's probably cause the jusco is the only shopping outlet in ipoh. we went back home and took a rest. BY's mum and sister came to my room and had a conversation with me. his mum is actually a very friendly person. she kept telling BY that it's not easy to find this kind of girl and must really appreciate me. haha. did you hear that darling? i know you don't like it, cause you changed topic everytime she said that. then his relatives came in the evening. his aunt told his dad that i talk like a lawyer which is so random. lol.

before dinner, BY, his sister and me went and take the BR cake from jusco. his sister wanted to buy a necklace, so we stopped by vincci. then we went to a chinese restaurant. the dinner cost almost rm500 and BY paid for it that night as it was his mum's birthday. he used the money he earned through the shares market, so his mother was really proud of him. so was i. =) btw i gave his mum a wallet from esprit, really hope she likes it.

on sunday afternoon, there was a wedding luncheon at a restaurant. everyone there belongs to the Tan's family, i felt kinda out of place. lol. his mum baked a cake, the same cake that BY baked for me during my birthday, i really love it. and the chocolate cupcakes are really nice. =) after that, we started our journey back to my home, bringing along the memories with me. thank you darling, i had a great time there, although you might think i did not. your family is a great one. =P

for YOU, you know who you are. LOL.

2010-10-09T01:48:00.000-07:00

looks like someone is stalking my blog, you know who you are. i saw the same videos that i posted up, in your blog. you know what? im SO not interested in reading your blog that you created just for me to read, and all the messages you sent me in chinese, i deleted because im chinese illiterate. REMEMBER? it's damn annoying everytime you sent me messages at 2am or 4am. i repeat, DAAAAMNNNNN annoying.

oh btw im so f***ing bored of you and your lame games. you went out with your friends last wednesday nite, and this guy called jason texted me and told me some kind of bullshit. i laughed my head off. cause it was so stupid. you and your friends think im dumb or what? haha. YEA IM SO DUMB THAT I ALMOST BELIEVED THAT MY BOYFRIEND CHEATED ON ME. if you guys did that just for fun, then well done, it was so "fun". maybe they can improve their english just a little bit, then i'll understand better.

recently, someone named christine wong tried to add me in fb. i rejected her request once, and she added me again. surprisingly, someone i dunno is DESPERATE to be my friend in fb. oh and apparently, it is stated in her profile that she was from smk convent kajang '07. weird, i've never seen her before in my school. and we do not have any mutual friends from convent. so can we conclude that she was from convent, my senior who is 1 year older, and she knows me but not my senior? damn epic. oh besides that, her hometown is kajang, but most of her friends are from KLANG.

now the word KLANG really pisses me off.

xoxo,

xue. =p

hopes.

2010-09-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

when i lose my confidence on something, i would wanna run away from it and find an escape route because im not courageous enough to face it.

i know, i hate my attitude too.

i guess i need to have more faith. just a little more faith to get me through.

"sometimes you gotta do what you have to do, and forget the fear that is holding you back."

a girl wrote this in her msn, and it seems quite meaningful to me.

ng suet huey, wake up. and rock the world. =P

save me

2010-09-16T12:11:00.000-07:00

ALL IM ASKING FOR IS YOUR GUIDANCE WHEN ALL MY HOPES ARE GONE.

WHERE ARE YOU?

WHY CANT YOU HEAR ME?

I NEED YOU. I NEED A RAY OF LIGHT TO LEAD ME TO THE RIGHT PATH.

IM LOST.

IM ON THE VERGE OF GIVING UP, NO MATTER HOW MUCH FAITH I HAVE.

I DONT WANNA LIVE ANYMORE.

I WAS NEVER MEANT TO LIVE ANYWAYS.

regrets

2010-09-14T01:45:00.000-07:00

maybe i've made the wrong decision again, and the feeling really, really sucks. i hate this so much. it's not just about buying a pair of heels which costs 200 plus, then you wore it and realised that it doesn't fit comfortably to ur feet. it's not life and death, you can just throw it away.

but the probem is you cant throw everythin away. we bought a dog, it was a mutual agreement. but i wasnt really thinking about it. maybe it's a wrong choice. it reminded me of the previous 2 dogs and how everythin ended up. i dont wanna repeat the same thing all over again. im not a responsible owner, i know it, and i dont want the dog to suffer because of me. again. sigh. if time can turn back, i dont tink i'll bring the dog home.

worst is i've signed up for the wrong course. i dont know why i chose the course im taking now when i dont even f***ing like science subjects. and now i have 3 biology subjects and 2 chemistry. im so lost. and my dad had already paid the semester fees which is almost 20k. if i decide to change now, trust me, he'll dis-own me if he's good enough for not killing me.

and the thing i regret most is existing. a lot of things might have change, to the better, if i have never existed. i wish i never. i really do.

...

2010-09-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

a part of me still believe that it is not you.

even if it is you, i kinda hope that it is not you.

please dont play games with me.

random

2010-09-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

my eyes are so tired. i haven't really been sleeping enough these few days. i dont know how much longer i can stand, but i dont really care anymore. going to college everyday, makes me feel empty. i dont like studying there, i just hate it. everythin seems wrong, i dont even know whether i wanna take this course. i honestly miss studying at taylors, among all places.

i've been uploading chinese songs, and abandoned english songs. lol. i dunno wats up wit me and emo songs anyways. last week went to karaoke with my classmates, and i sang a rap song for the 1st time. Love the way you lie, eminem's part. but it was damn fun, despite how stupid i sounded. haha.

holidays now, but dunno why im not excited. maybe it meant more things to do. i forgot how to be fun, im a boring person afterall. sigh. the only thing i wanted to do badly is to sleep. a lot of plans with highschool friends and classmates, but dunno why, not really in the mood. maybe clubbing night is the only night im looking forward to. =)

signing off. good nite.

ps, i miss you.

愛不夠 - Raymond Lam

2010-09-08T08:37:00.001-07:00

ps, just suddenly like this song.

chinese songs

2010-09-04T09:15:00.000-07:00

1. 爱上你 – By 2

2. 假装 Jia Zhuang - Jolin Tsai

3. Zhu Wo Sheng Ri Kuai Le - Jay Chou ft Wen Lan

4. 你不知道的事 - Lee hom

5. Guang Dao Zhi Lian - karen mok

recent days

2010-09-01T09:22:00.000-07:00

wednesday night, odd day to online and blog. came back at 7pm today, had 1 and 1/2 hour of chinese class. damn tired now, no, i've been tired since 2 months ago when i started college. maths test and physio quiz just passed, yet there are more to come. with my insufficient basics in chemistry, and my stupidity, im never gonna pass unless i study like shit, or a miracle happen. the latter probably wont happen, as i've not been keeping in touch with God recently. i dunno whether i've made the right choice. but is there a right or wrong in making choices? not like we'll know the endings for every step we chose to take. i guess all i can do is try my best and have faith in Your plans for me.

yesterday, my boyfriend and i went to midvalley. we had a quick breakfast at austin chase cause we had a movie to catch. grown ups is a really funny movie. lol. and i realised i havent been laughing like that for a long time. when we had lunch at tony romas, i was kinda angry for a reason, so i wanted to order bloody mary, not knowing what it taste like, cause the name of it suits my mood at that moment. lol. it really sucks anyways, we barely finish half of it. it was like vodka + tomato + tobasco. how on earth you combine these things to make a drink. even the long island i had last time was way better than this. after that i wanted to go shopping, though there was a lot of people, i havent been to midvalley for like ages. someone's expression changed, cause someone didnt like shopping, so i got damn pissed off. we had a silent war on the way back, and i walked under the rain, and et cetera. we managed to sort things out anyways. =)

back to today. during my last lecture, i had a sudden flashback which sent shivers down my spine. right time, the lecturer was explaining about the peripheral nervous system. i wanted to show nicole how i looked like in short hair, and i saw this particular picture of me in my phone which was taken by someone else. the memories came flooding back, attacking my helpless mind. it is true that the harder u try to forget something, the more you'll remember it. so am i supposed to keep running away or i stop damn right here and face this. i didn wanna think of this, all i want is just 1 thing - to forget. all it takes to just forget. yet i know that, until the day i make everythin clear, neither of us will die in peace. but there are a lot of things that you dont know, and you'll never know.

ps, im just trying to be happy. all i ever wanted.

orientation week

2010-07-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

orientation week started and ended.

i couldn't wake up on monday cause i watched the world cup final. so i just went to take my labcoat. my boyfriend drove me there. =)

i attended mentor-mentee meeting on tues.

on wednesday, i was late for the 1st briefing. i didn't know the basement parking are not for students, eventhough we are willing to pay. met my mentor and attended another briefing after that.

thurs really wasnt my day. my car alarm went off in the morning, my car was banged from behind by a myvi, fell down before the escalator because i was almost running with the stupid heels, went to the briefing late. then got 3 hours break before the next briefing. i went to the student services department to get a locker and the staffs bullied me. long story. then i didnt know where to go or what to do. i felt so lost and so lonely, i had no friends. maybe 1, but i didnt know what is her number. lol. and i almost cried. i know, it was so embarassing, but everythin was so wrong on that day. i didnt remember crying on the 1st day of my primary school, in fact i think i was happy back then. i was fearless. i guess i've changed so much. my parents were nearby, so they brought me out for lunch. =)

i only went for the lab orientation on fri. got to know some new friends. but my legs were damn tired due to excessive standing and walking. when the lab assistants showed us how to handle those equipments in the lab, i had a lot of flashbacks of last year, in chemistry lab. miss adeline. my lab partners. the people in my class. the memories were so clear, the laughters, the fights, everything. we had so much fun, but those days are gone. and they are never coming back. i guess it's time, to forget the past and move on.

next week everythin would be different. and i know i wouldnt be the same anymore.

don't bother

2010-07-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

i don't know what is the cause of my emotional state now. tears can't stop falling and there's this feeling inside of me. a mixture of agony and melancholy.

i don't know what i do is right and what i do is wrong. im so lost.

i really wanna change. i wanna be who people expect me to be. which is why i can never be myself.

it feels so tired being me, it also feels tired not being me. i don't know who i am anymore.

who would understand this inexplicable feeling?

can u see the tears behind this cheerful eyes?

can u see the broken pieces inside this strong, beating heart?

can u see a lifeless soul in this breathing human?

moments ago, i just told my mum that no matter how painful life is, we still have to be strong and move on. and yesterday i just told my friend that life can be happy, is we choose to be.

i can help people, but i can't help myself.

i admit that im never an optimistic person. always insecure.

all i need is just someone to depend on. someone who supports me. and love me for who i really am.

all i need is just a ray of light in this overwhelming darkness. im scared. i really am.

...

2010-06-28T04:28:00.000-07:00

suddenly feel so lonely. no one to talk to except my blog. i could talk to someone, but i need a friend's opinions. i need an advice from someone outside who doesn't know anythin. i need to let this feeling out of me, because i've been keeping so many things to myself. so suffocated.

i feel like screaming on top of my lungs, but where can i go?

i feel like breaking tons of fragile things, but how can i get them?

i feel like running a thousand miles, swimming across the sea, jumping from the highest building..

anythin, anythin that makes me forget things that i wanna forget.

forget how many problems i have, forget how lonely i feel, even if it's just for 1 minute.

i dont know why im being so emotional, i hope it's pms. because if it is, then it is just temporary.

melbourne trip

2010-06-21T10:28:00.000-07:00

lol. this is the new jay chou song. very meaningful, i almost cried listening to this.

anyways, i just came back from melbourne last week. i went there with my family and stayed at my aunt's house. i had a great time there, at least i get to leave malaysia for a while, run away from everything. even if it was just temporary, it was worth it although i miss someone badly. lol.

what we did there was basically hanging out at the city centre or the town or the malls, walked along the streets, shopping and eating. then we went to some tourists' attractions like the eureka skydeck, crown palace and melbourne aquarium.

on the weekends, we went to Otway Fly, like a forest. goin to the forest during winter was kinda cool though. then went to the Great Ocean Road. that place is beautiful. standing on top of the cliffs, enjoying the breath-taking scenery. took a lot of pictures there. =)

we had western seafood and chinese seafood. sometimes asian food, sometimes western. we had italian food on our first day there. in the morning during the weekends, my aunt made sandwiches and cooked congee. we had a lot of fresh oysters too. lol. then for supper, we had this breadsticks or plain crackers with cheese. i kinda miss that already. the fruits there are very fresh and nice, like strawberries, raspberries and cherries. i just realised they rhyme, belong to the same family. lol. im so lame.

had a great time there. =)

周杰倫- 說了再見

2010-06-21T10:23:00.000-07:00

Shuo le zai jian - Jay Chou

2010-06-21T10:13:00.000-07:00

PINYIN

tian liang le yu xia le ni zou le
qing chu le wo ai de yi shi le
luo ye piao zai hu mian shang shui zhao le
xiang yao fang fang bu diao lei zai piao
ni kan kan ni kan kan bu dao
wo jia zhuang guo qu bu zhong yao
que fa xian zi ji ban bu dao

shuo le zai jian cai fa xian zai ye jian bu dao
wo bu neng jiu zhe yang shi qu ni de wei xiao
kou hong dai zai zhuo jiao
er ni wo zhao bu dao
ruo jiao se dui diao ni shuo hao bu hao

shuo le zai jian cai fa xian zai ye jian bu dao
neng bu neng jiu zhe yang ren zhe tong lei bu diao
shuo hao pei wo dao lao
yong heng wang na li zhao
zai ci yong bao
yi fen yi miao dou hao

tian liang le yu xia le ni zou le
qing chu le wo ai de yi shi le
luo ye piao zai hu mian shang shui zhao le
xiang yao fang fang bu diao lei zai piao
ni kan kan ni kan kan bu dao
wo jia zhuang guo qu bu zhong yao
que fa xian zi ji ban bu dao

shuo le zai jian cai fa xian zai ye jian bu dao
wo bu neng jiu zhe yang shi qu ni de wei xiao
kou hong dai zai zhuo jiao
er ni wo zhao bu dao
ruo jiao se dui diao ni shuo hao bu hao

ni de xiao
ni de hao
nao hai li
yi zhi zai rao
wo de shou
wang bu liao ni shou de wen du
xin sui le yi di jian bu hui
cong qian de xin tiao
sheng xian guo qu wo wu li tao pao

shuo zai jian cai fa xian zai ye jian bu dao
neng bu neng jiu zhe yang ren zhe tong lei bu diao
shuo hao pei wo dao lao
yong heng wang na li zhao
zai ci yong bao
yi fen yi miao dou hao

TRANSLATION

The weather is cool, the rain is falling, you are leaving
It is crystal clear that I have lost my dear one
The fallen leaves rest upon the surface of the lake
I want to let go, but it is hard to do so, the tears are falling
You look, but you don't see
I pretend to myself that the past is insignificant,
but I realize that I cannot do it

Having said goodbye, I realize that I will probably never see you again
I can't just lose your smile like this
The lipstick sits on the edge of the table
But I can no longer find you
What do you say to reversing roles with each other?

Having said goodbye, I realize that I will probably never see you again
Can I just hold back my tears, and hope they won't fall?
You said you'd be with me till we were old
Where do I find eternity now?
Just another embrace,
just for a minute or even a second.

Your smile, your goodness,they're spinning around in my mind
My hands, can't forget the warmth of your hands
My heart's shattered on the floor, never to be mended again
My rapid heartbeats from before,I can't escape from the past

說了再見 - 周杰倫

2010-06-21T10:00:00.000-07:00

天涼了雨下了妳走了
清楚了我愛的遺失了
落葉飄在湖面上睡著了
想要放放不掉淚在飄
妳看看妳看看不到
我假裝過去不重要
卻發現自己辦不到

說了再見才發現再也見不到
我不能就這樣失去妳的微笑
口紅待在桌角
而妳我找不到
若角色對調妳說好不好

說了再見才發現再也見不到
能不能就這樣忍著痛淚不掉
說好陪我到老永恆往哪裡找
再次擁抱一分一秒都好

天涼了雨下了妳走了
清楚了我愛的遺失了
落葉飄在湖面上睡著了
想要放放不掉淚在飄
妳看看妳看看不到
我假裝過去不重要
卻發現自己辦不到

說了再見才發現再也見不到
我不能就這樣失去妳的微笑
口紅待在桌角
而妳我找不到
若角色對調你說好不好

妳的笑
妳的好
腦海裡
一直在繞
我的手
忘不了妳手的溫度
心碎了一地撿不回
從前的心跳
身陷過去我無力逃跑

說再見才發現再也見不到
能不能就這樣忍著痛淚不掉
說好陪我到老
永恒往哪裡找
再次擁抱一分一秒都好

1836 393628 3919

2010-06-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

"can i trust you?"

"do you think you can trust me?"

yes i did. i trusted you. i didnt need someone to depend on, neither do i need someone to support me or be with me when i was alone. i just needed to be able to trust someone and feel secure again.

tat night, i cried. you were there to listen to me. i thought what we shared, our friendship, was real no matter how things ended up. i thought you were sincere.

you said we should end this with peace. i did, but you didnt. i'd let you down, but you dont understand why i chose this way, this ending. i said im sorry, i meant it. but i didnt ask you to forgive me because the more you hate me, the better i'll feel.

hope you're happy with what you're doing. hope you're happy seeing me suffer like this. all you wanted is just for my heart to bleed, for me to feel the hurt i've caused you. if i could, i would take all the pain i've caused you and carry it myself. you know i meant it. if only i could.

i guess i really deserve the pain im feeling now. and i wanted to say, thank you.

PS. 愛與被愛同樣受罪.

...

2010-06-02T09:40:00.000-07:00

being humans, i believe that the most difficult thing to do is to forgive someone who has hurt you in any ways.

but i had.

after all, to err is human, to forgive divine.

someone told me that there's a silver lining in every dark clouds. and i chose to believe him, see beyond the darkness and believe that there's a bright side of it.

hatred is a curved blade. if u hate someone, you will feel the pain instead.

i hope you, whoever you are, learn to forgive. not forgive me, but forgive yourself.

and i have prayed to God to forgive you, fill your heart with love, not hate.

...

2010-05-28T06:21:00.000-07:00

Dr. X said, " you have very low blood pressure. besides that, your body got not enough 'hei'."

Dr. Y said, "you illness is caused by a combination of a few factors. 1, the edge of the middle of my ribcage (i forgot wat it is called) is swollen. 2, it might be the hot and stuffy environment. 3, nose block. 4, you're having a lot of pressures, stressed out and think too much."

Sifu Z said, "the structure of your bones are disorientated, compressing the trachea. in the end leads to some disruption to the valves of your heart. in addition, your body is very weak."

So..

Dr. X gave me a container of chinese medicine in powder form. supposed to finish within 2 weeks. to be taken twice a day.

Dr. Y prescribed some pills for my blocked nose and some nose drops. to be taken twice a day.

Sifu. Z pulled my bones, damn scary as the cracking sounds could be heard and gave me 3 bottles of tablets. to be taken 3 times a day.

and so..

im looking forward to the next doctor that im gonna visit. im so sick of consuming medicines. i guess maybe taking an X-ray is a better solution.

apart from all these, i already got my h1n1 vaccinations last week. 4 more needles awaiting me in the following months. im so anticipated.

my difficulty in breathing is getting worst. i have to gasp for air everytime i breathe. and some people still add salt to my condition, im really suffocated. i've had enough of problems to deal with.

sometimes, i'd rather not breathe. cause breathing can be so difficult at times.

events

2010-05-23T22:08:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day

i woke up in the morning and got ready. then i drove out with my brother to pick the flowers that i had ordered a few days earlier. when we came home, we gave the bouquet of flowers to my mum, and she was surprised. after that we went to midvalley to watch Ip Man 2. i thought it was better than the first one. and it was very nice! apart from the fact that donnie yen is so yeng. lol. before we left, we went to Bread Story as my mum wanted to buy a few slices of tiramisu cake. but when we were in the store, there were no cakes left except one 1 kg tiramisu cake, displaying itself in the huge, transparent container. all eyes set on it with envy, but unfortunately, it was already reserved by someone else. my mum was quite disappointed, until the moment i said "the cake is mine." haha. she was shocked, then i told her that i came and reserved the cake earlier on. so i happily showed the receipt to the counter girl, and collect MY cake. lol. we went back, cut the cake and took some pics. =)

Broadway Musical

a few nights ago, Stef called me and asked me whether i wanna watch Broadway Musical with her. it was the musical that i wanted to watch last time but i decided not to because first, it was too expensive and second, i have no friend to accompany me there. Stef told me that there were 2 tickets left for the rm290 seats, so after some discussions, i confirmed with her. it was fast and efficient, i mean i don't like people who are indecisive in this kind of things. cause i organised outings before, and some people just kept discussing and asking questions, reluctant to confirm, and in the end decided not to go. i really hate this. waste of my precious time talking to these kind of people.

the musical was on the next day which was saturday at 8.30pm. at 5pm, i went to the train station and travelled to Kl Sentral to meet Stef. we had Subway there and then we decided to take the Putra Line to Kampung Baru station. it was such a deserted place, and we couldnt find any cabs. so we went back to the train station, travelled back to Masjid Jamek and changed to the Star Line to get to the Titiwangsa Station. at there, there were a lot of cabs. so the cab drove us to Istana Budaya which was less than 10 minutes away.

it was already almost 8pm when we reached there. we walked up the flight of stairs, and the usherer opened the huge door in the middle for us. the place is grand, with chandeliars hanging from the ceiling, illuminating the place with dim lights. we went to collect our tickets at the counter. all the ladies in dresses and heels, while gentlemen in coats, all are people of reputation and wealth. the most expensive seats are rm590 and cheapest are rm190, just to watch a 2 hours 40 minutes play.

when we entered the theatre, it was really spacious and big, and our seats are in the upper circle. it is so high, and i was kinda scared when i walked down the stairs to our row as i have phobia of heights. we could see the dance and the actors from up here, just that the expressions were not clear. the choreography was really astounding. when the play ended, we walked out to the waiting area which is the main entrance to wait for a cab to drive us back to subang. it was kinda embarassing though, as all the cars that dropped by are mercedes, bmw, harriers, nice lexus cars with drivers inside. we watched with envy.

it was a great experience, and i really love this kind of things. and like Stef said, we are like spoilt brats. lol.

...

2010-05-07T10:19:00.000-07:00

today my mum and i went to midvalley. our main purpose was to buy the movie tickets for sunday as we planned to watch Ip Man 2. at first, we wanted to buy the gold class tickets. so i asked the counter girl what's the difference between the premier and the gold class. gold class basically just provides a bigger seat, like a huge sofa, a pillow and blanket. you can order food, but you have to pay for what you ordered. my mum said might as well sleep in the cinema since it is so comfortable. it's really nothing special, so we decided to buy the premier ones. we wanted 2.35pm, and guess wat, almost all the seats are taken except the front rows. wth, im already buying the tickets 2 days in advance, there are actually ppl who are crazier than me. lol. so we took the 4 sumthing one.

after buying the tickets, we went shopping! i sent my dress to the laundry for dry clean first, and i had to walk so far to the opposite building, which is connected to midvalley by a bridge. i told myself not to buy anything today, but ended up purchasing 3 formal tops and 1 casual black dress. sigh.

reached home about 5pm. im happy today, cause my mum is happier today. how nice if everyday can be like today. i'll be busy for the next 2 days, hope every plans turn out well. =)

...

2010-05-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

today my parents and i went to ampang. we had our brunch at this famous chicken rice shop, recommended by a book. on the way there, the traffic was congested. we didn't know why until the scene across the highway was visible from our sights. i couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing. i could feel goosebumps, and fear overwhelmed me. the man was underneath the tyre of the big truck. not moving, but i believed he was still alive. there were people in the opposite lane who stopped their vehicle at the side to watch the traumatic accident. the ambulance had not arrived.

i remembered my teacher told me before that if this happens, the victim might be still alive and will not be able to feel anything. but when the vehicle is removed from him, the pain will attack and he will die immediately. the thoughts of it made me feel so uneasy and scared. last time there was this woman who got stucked underneath a car. she was still alive and managed to call her husband. she died when the car is removed from her. looking at this scene makes me feel like im in a horror movie, yet at the same time, i felt sorry and sad for the victim.

knowing that in the next few moments, he would die and leave his family behind. how would that feel? he didn't even get to say the last words to the people he love. i was imagining if i was a doctor, i would hold his hands, hear what final words he had to say and tell him not to be afraid. because if im in the victim's position, i would want someone to be my side. i closed my eyes, and prayed for him. prayed that he would die with less pain, and may he rest in peace.

the uneasy feeling stayed with me until brunch. after that, we went to the kl central as my dad wanted to book the tickets at mas. on the way back home, there was another accident. i didn't want to look, my dad told me that a truck fell down the slope and it was upside down. the next question i asked was whether he was dead, and he said most probably. how easy things can happen. just a blink of an eye, then you're gone.

this morning, a huge truck nearly crashed on my car. my dad didnt see the truck coming down the hill, so he just drove out. this is already the second time he didn't see the cars at the junction, although my dad is such a proficient driver. humans make mistakes, that was why i felt worried.

these are the things that we cant control. what is destined to happen will happen. we cant run away from our fate, but we can only accept it. i guess what happened today gave a reason to drive safely for the sake of my loved ones, and also gave me a reason to live each day to the fullest as we will not know when our life ends.

...

2010-05-05T10:57:00.001-07:00

dear blog, you know the feelings like when you suddenly feel that you don't know why you are living? yea, im having that kind of feelings now. i have suddenly lost the purpose to live, and the reason to breathe. who would understand? even God can only watch me helplessly from above. every second, every day passes by meaninglessly. all my future plans are already there, in my head. all the future achievements and success and hopes for a better life seem so convincing, yet something is missing. i don't know what it is and i cant find it.

to live, to suffer, and to die, is this what life is about? what is the point then, if in the end we still die. just like what is the point of watching a movie or reading a book, if we already know the endings. 19 years of life, im still searching for the meaning of life, the reasons to live. and now, the answer seems to be further and further away from me.

do you know that if there's this patient who is suffering from a kind of illness, the people beside the patient are the ones who feel more pain and suffer most? because they can only stand there, and watch their loved one helplessly with tears, praying for a miracle to happen which seems so impossible. im not God, i can't change things to the way i want it to be. i can't fight fate either or stop what is destined to happen. im just a human, with limitations and flaws and weaknesses.

humans are never satisfied with what they have. i don't understand why. people who are diagnosed with chronic diseases are dying every minute around the world, they are striving to live, yet they die. but people who get to live want to die instead. what an irony life is. life is such a precious gift, yet some people choose to waste it. but can we blame them? are they wrong to hate life? no. because life is unfair to them, that's why they rather not live anymore.

i just feel so lost. i don't know what else i could do. i know i need to be strong, yet im already on the edge of giving up. i don't know who else to blame for this except for myself. happiness was always there, i didn't appreaciate it and took it for granted. now it's slowly leaving me. it feels so cold, so lonely.

i saw a ray of light, i ran towards it, and when i thought i was about to reach it, it disappeared.

dear blog, someone reading this now will feel angry because i tell you all these things first. do you know why i like telling you things? 1st, because there are things that can't be spoken, yet can be written. 2nd, because people judge, you don't and you can't. 3rd, people who are concern will try to understand but they can never understand this feeling. but you don't need to understand because you can't. 4th, i don't want sympathy, i just need to express these feelings in me. humans have feelings, you don't. 5th, i don't wanna trouble people and increase their burden. people who care will worry, which i dont want to, but dear blog, i know you won't because you can't.

PS. i dont want this topic to be brought up. i need some privacy with my own thoughts in my personal blog. just as simple as that.

The Viennese Piano

2010-04-27T23:46:00.000-07:00

i put on my purple dress, wrapped my new white shawl around my neck and grabbed my handbag. after spending an eternity in front of the mirror, i went downstairs. my parents were ready, waiting for us. my brother then came down with his formal, long-sleeved top with his school trousers. i found that funny though, but he had no choice because he does not have any formal trousers. apart from that, he had to wear one of my dad's working shoes, which is quite big for his feet. i couldnt help laughing. everything just looked so loose on him, probably because of his scrawny figure. lol.

i was exhilarated, anticipating to see what it was like, as this was my first time watching an orchestra. what drew my attention more was this orchestra focused on piano, my favourite instrument. we reached klcc about 12 and we decided to have our brunch at Dome cafe. The place was so crowded, filled with a jubilant atmosphere. i felt like eating fish and chips with a cup of hot macchiato, while my brother and parents ordered the chicken mushroom pie.

after we had our brunch, we walked to the petronas twin tower which is just at the opposite side. we went to the counter to collect out tickets, then my parents left us there. it was half an hour before we could enter the hall. at the ground floor, there was already a number of people waiting. there were younger kids, teenagers, families, both old and young couples, music teachers with their students, et cetera. there was also quite a lot of international people. my brother and i decided to walk up the staircase to the 2nd floor where the hall is. some of the men were wearing coats, and most of the young ladies in dresses. we saw 2 booths at the corner, selling the books for this orchestra. it was a thin book, about 10 pages and it costs rm 7.00. i thought tat was quite expensive, and i did not know why most of the people bought it. it contains the events of the orchestra, the biodata of the pianist and director, and some history of the viennese piano.

2.45pm, they opened the hall. my brother and i walked to our places in Box H. there were only 8 seats in this box at the side, and it was higher than the middle, front seats. we had a good view from here, and it somehow reminded me about the phantom of the opera. the monsieurs were sitting at the upper side seats, just like my seat. lol. i could see people walking in and taking their seats. not long after that, the musicians went on stage and started tuning their instruments. exactly at 3pm, the Austrian pianist and classical specialist, Rudolph Buchbinder walked out, accompanied by a round of applause. the first orchestra piece was Keyboard Concerto in D by Hadyn, followed by Piano Concerto No. 22 in E flat by Mozart. Each piece took about half an hour, and we had a break for 20 minutes before the performance resumed.

my brother and i walked out of the hall. i wanted to take a glance at the little books sold earlier, so i decided to borrow it from someone. my brother saw this guy in black coat who looks like Donnie Yen. lol. and trust me, he has the features of the hong kong actor. he was talking to a friend, and holding the little book. i was hesitating whether i should ask him, as it took quite a lot of courage for me to talk to a stranger. in the end, i couldnt see why it was wrong or embarassing, so i approached him. i walked towards him, and i said " erm, excuse me, do you mind if i take a look at the book?" with my awkward smile, avoiding eye contact as much as possible. he gave me a blank expression and replied "yea sure". he continued talking to his friend, so i stood there and flipped through the book. then i handed the book back to him and thanked him. lol.

after 20 minutes, we went back into the hall. the last piece was Piano Concerto No. 1 in C by Beethoven. the way the pianist played the piano got me mesmerised. from my seat, i could see clearly how his fingers delicately move about the piano keys. the accompaniment by other instruments was outstanding too. finally the performance ended. the applause seemed to be never ending as it lasted for at least 5 minutes. lol.

after that my brother and i went to have a drink while waiting for our parents. they went to watch Shutter Island in the cinema. i suggested Starbucks, but my brother wanted something alcoholic, so we went to Chinoz in the park. we ordered 2 glasses of wine from chile, one white wine and the other red. cabernet savignon and savignon blanc. =P then my dad came to meet us, and paid for the bill. lol.

the experience was great, as watching an orchestra had been something that i wished to do long time ago. i am looking forward to the next upcoming orchestra that im interested in. =)

ps: the way i write this post might be a little too formal or exaggerated, i just wanted to practise my english writing. lol.

...

2010-04-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

i've never felt so helpless and useless until the words are spoken. it hit me so hard, just like bullets from a gun shot through my heart. yet, im still alive to feel the blood spilling out from my heart. my entire body was filled with coldness and numbness, and i still have to try my best to pretend that im ok. this is the second time i feel that my world suddenly starts to crumble into pieces. then nothing is left. where do i start over?

i dont know what i can do. im so lost. was it my mistakes that led to all these? yes, it must be my existence. or it must be my lack of thoughtfulness and my lack of sensitivity. my flaws and imperfections. i'll take all the blames and put it on myself.

God what have i done to deserve this? if it's my mistakes, punish me. let the ones i love happily and let me suffer instead. let me bear all the pain, i would do anything, everything. i would trade my life, i would serve my punishment in hell for eternity, just for them. You know i would. Is this too much to ask for?

i was never a strong person, also never an optimistic person. very independent, yet very dependent. i like isolating myself from the world, yet im afraid of loneliness. seems so happy, yet so melancholic. im so lucky to have what i have, yet so unfortunate to be myself. what an irony life i have.

i know i've lost in touch with you. i know i have unforgiving sins. dont forgive me, but please help me. please give the strength, let me have faith in you once again. show me a ray of light in this darkness. please.

...

2010-03-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

i took a step back.

i cant pretend anymore. i cant stand it anymore.

im very sick and tired of all these.

tired of this feeling. tired of all the thoughts. tired of going through the same thing over and over again.

i dont want to deal with anything. i dont want to be responsible. i dont wanna care.

i just wanna run away. leave. disappear. whatever it takes.

at this moment, what i really need is a brain that forgets and a heart that cannot love.

...

2010-03-20T12:02:00.000-07:00

在朋友那兒聽說痴心的你曾回來過
想請他替我向你問候只為了怕見了說不出口
你對以往的感觸還多不多曾讓我心碎的你
我依然深愛著

在朋友那兒聽說知心的你曾找過我
我要他幫我對你隱瞞只是怕見了面會更難過
我對以往的感觸還那麼多曾給我幸福的你
我依然深深愛著

有一種想見不敢見的傷痛有一種愛還埋藏在我心中
我只能把你放在我的心中
這一種想見不敢見的傷痛讓我對你的思念越來越濃
我卻只能把你把你放在我心中

對你的聲音你的影你的手
我發誓說我沒有忘記過
而關於你選擇了現在的他
我只能說我有些難過
我也真心真意的等過.

...

2010-03-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

2.17am.

overdosed of medicine, yet i cant sleep again.

fell sick on wed, still went to work. wednesday night was the worst, i woke up every hour. thursday morning, i went to consult the doctor. took the medicine. was dizzy and slept the whole day. after i had my dinner, i felt worst so my dad decided to bring me to another doctor. my temperature increased again, so the doctor gave me a stronger medicine. thursday night was much better, only woke up once at 5.30am. friday morning, went to see the doctor again. still recovering.

saturday, went to midvalley for a while because my mum wanted to buy something. halfway, i felt uneasy again, felt like vomitting this time. came back home and rest. and still the same now.

tommorrow i decided to rebel. dont wanna take the medicines for 1 day, i couldnt stand it anymore. imagine taking loads of medicines every 2 months, im no difference from a patient suffering from a chronic illness. and im supposed to consult another doctor tomorrow to take a new set of medications. im not human.

despite all these, an inexplicable feeling attacked me again, as always. i dreamt of you again. you were sick and you came to find me. you looked very pale as you lie on the bed, and i was right beside you. you called your sister, but couldnt get through. and you forgot your mum's number. so i asked you to stay.

my heart breaks seeing you like this.

i've been trying not to think so much, yet thoughts kept invading my mind. i wanna end this, once and for all. end everything, forget everything, start over from the very beginning. no past, no present. but how? how can i die and live again?

let me run away from reality, just for one moment.

every drop of the rain, now only represents the broken pieces of my heart, the tears that fall for no reason everytime. walking helplessly under the rain, searching for something that i can never find, and i feel so scared, so lonely because i cant see anyone else in the darkness, in this path. the atmosphere is filled with melancholy, and it is so cold, just as how my heart feels.

im sorry, i cant stand this anymore.

1st week of work

2010-03-17T19:58:00.000-07:00

my first week of work. =)

im actually just replacing a teacher who is quite seriously ill. so basically i took over her class, which is Penguin 6, besides teaching english in 2 classes of 5 year olds.

during the assembly on monday, i was introduced. the kids looked at me with a kind of curiousity, not knowing whether this new teacher is soft-spoken and friendly, or as fierce as the other teachers. lol. i taught according to the time table on monday itself, and Penguin 6 was not that difficult to handle, just that there were some naughty kids.

Otter 5A was quite a havoc. when i entered the class, almost all of them had some stories to share. "teacher, i bought a new pencil today!" said a grinning kid with the pencil held up high. "teacher, yesterday my grandma bought this and that..i went to this place and that place..et cetera.." then suddenly one of the kids wanted to go to the toilet, the rest followed. finally settled down, then there came a voice.. "teacher, i want to sharp my pencil." i gave the sharpener to the kid, then the rest wanted to sharp their pencils too, followed by some fights. Otter 5B only consists of 6 students, compared to Otter 5A which has about 17 students. 5B is so much easier to handle.

every tuesday, Penguin 6 has art class. we did rhinoceros. so basically, they just need to colour the parts, cut and paste them together. colouring wasn't a problem, but most of them are not capable of cutting and pasting. pandemonium broke out, and im not exaggerating. lol. after class ends, i help out with the full day kids. just need to make sure they finish their food during lunch, help them with their homework, and help to dry them up and wear their clothes after they bathe.

last friday, there were no classes because we had birthday celebration for kids who were born in between january and march. we had cakes, party packs and some games. i took quite a lot of pictures. =) erm. this whole week had been very tiring, and im practically drained out of energy, but i really had fun. there's this kid, SJ who cry everyday for no reasons. lol. i like him a lot, probably because he's so like me. but he's very adorable. =)

the second week, i worked from monday until wednesday. something interesting happened. haha.
shawn and shao yang quarrelled to sit with choy yi in class.

"teacher, i like choy yi!" shawn confessed in front of the whole class.

lol. how straight-forward kids can be, but this is the one thing that i envy about kids. they just say whatever their heart says.

"u like choy yi? haha. choy yi, do u like shawn?" i said with laughter.

first i asked choy yi, who she prefers. she gave me this shy smile, then she said shawn is cute and shao yang is handsome. =.=

"so who u want now? choose one. lol"

"err..i like shao yang." choy yi admitted.

love triangle in class, how cute. haha.

in these 3 days, i realised that shawn has always been waiting for choy yi to finish her work first, then only he finished his. shao yang was always the one bullying choy yi.

there was once when shao yang pulled choy yi's hand, choy yi complained to me. lol. so i asked choy yi, "so u still like him?" guess wat. she said yes.

love is really blind.

i envy shawn because of his honesty. and i can never be like him. i envy choy yi, because she is decisive. she likes shao yang, and no matter what shao yang did to her, she still likes him. and i envy shao yang for being himself, who he really is.

...

2010-03-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

3 facts i recently discovered about myself, not that i didn know it before. Lol.

1 is im really bad in sports. Except for swimming.
2 is my art skills really suck, and also lack of creativity.
3 is im actually quite a patient person. haha.

i wanted to update about my first week of work, but im kinda busy recently.

i had fun, and i found myself smiling for no reasons because of them. =)

when i think too much..

2010-03-02T06:53:00.000-08:00

Believe or dont believe, what IF the world really ends in 2012?

I know. You might think that this is dumb or to you, this is complete bullshit. How can the earth be destroyed so easily? Well, it is that easy. When God says the end, that's the end. I've always believed in the end of the world, just that we don't know when will the end be.

Every beginning has an ending. This is what we learnt all along, dont we? So why is this an exception?

One earthquake by another. Tsunamis. Drastic change of weather. Could this be coincidence? Maybe.

Even if the government knows about this, they wouldnt announce it so early to prevent chaos.

Im not saying that it will happen, but there's a possibility. I dont know why i would think about this, maybe because someone brought up the topic earlier. It was said that australia will be the first to get hit by the catastrophe.

IF it happens..
I'll probably be in Newcastle that time. 21 years of life, im contented enough. Just that to think of it now, we have less than 3 years, which is a very short time. Like my friend said before, to her, this life will only be complete when she gets married and have kids. I agreed with her, but this will only be a dream which can never be achieved. But to live until 21, im considered lucky enough. Not everyone in this world get the chance to live until 21.

IF it does not happen..
Good then. Live like normal.

But even if it does not happen, can you predict when you will die? Maybe tomorrow. Next week. Next year. Next 10 years? Anything can happen, we wouldnt know right? No matter how optimistic you are, you can't deny the fact that we dont know when our life ends.

People never appreciate what they have until they lose them. But i will start to learn appreciating every second of my life. Learn to appreciate all the people i love. Learn to appreciate all the things God gave me.

At the last moments of your life, who would you think of? Who would you want to be by your side?

If you love this person, no matter who they are to you, tell him/her how much you love them. Just 3 words, say it before it is too late. Die with no regrets.

Im not scared of death, but i admit that im actually very scared of pain. I know, im such a coward. lol.

And to die with the person i love, is the biggest miracle that can ever happen. A miracle that i don't even dare to hope for.

...

2010-02-28T10:34:00.000-08:00

drank till half drunk yesterday. didn drink much, but drank too fast. like 1 can in 2 minutes. lol. it was 12am, parents were not at home. i played piano. laughed out loud. then i cried until i fell asleep.

woke up with swollen eyes, mum asked what happened, i said i didnt get enough sleep. couldnt tell them.

today cried again for some reasons. and i realised im such a selfish person. it took me 2 months to forget so many things, but in just 1 day, everything is gone and i have to start from scratch again.

the shattered pieces of my heart shatter again.

it's nearly 3am now, i still cant sleep though i just took a few glasses of wine. it wasnt the thoughts that bother me. it was the confused feelings im having now.

im so tired.

...

2010-02-26T07:58:00.000-08:00

i couldnt sleep that night. i dreamt. i woke up in tears. when is all this going to end?
time heals, doesn't it? but why do i feel emptier and emptier as each day passes by?
this feeling, who can understand?
these tears that fall so easily everytime.
im so tired.
tired of pretending. tired of trying to forget so many things. tired of moving on.
can i not be ng suet huey for just 1 minute?
just 1 minute, is it too much to ask for?
i wanna run away. run as fast as i can. as far as i want.
and never come back to this place.
this place that carries every piece of melancholic memory.

why is it so hard to forget?

knowing that holding on to the past is being unfair to the people in the present,
i still cant let go the past. i cant no matter how much i wanted to.

im so dumb. but i cant help it.

...

2010-02-15T09:18:00.000-08:00

Before Chinese New Year arrived, i went shopping like crazy. Bought about 8 tops, a casual dress and a pants, et cetera.

Chinese New Year arrived, just the 2nd day, and i went shopping again! Lol.

Today went to mv, the gardens.

I walked pass Mooks and i saw the statue model wearing this white shirt with a broken heart in the middle.

I wanted it!

Walked in and asked the sales person, he said no more d. T_T

Then i said "Aiih..all the broken hearted people bought the shirt. That's why no more d."

And he replied "Why? Means you're also broken hearted la? Haha."

"In a way, yeah.." I said with my sarcastic laugh.

Then saw a purple top that i kinda like, and the price is 3 digits. Affordable, but i resisted my temptation. For 24 hours only. I don't think i can, im gonna try the shirt tmr!

No shirt for me. Walked in to robinsons. Bought a sunglass and a wallet instead. =.=

After that, we went to pavilion, and i bought 2 shorts. Swt. I lost control.

Im insane.

But i saw some, i mean, a lot of chinese people shopping also. Maybe im normal after all. Lol.

This is the confession of a shopaholic - me. =P

...

2010-02-11T07:20:00.000-08:00

I realised that i wasnt afraid of getting myself hurt again, but im afraid of hurting you.

Love is not selfish.

That's why sometimes even if you really love someone, you have to let go.

Knowing that the person is happy, i guess that's more than enough.

I saw the picture, and i smiled with tears.

PS. Hope you will always be happy as you are now.

...

2010-02-09T06:41:00.000-08:00

I said i would post my opinions on the random article on polyamory. But before i said anything, some people already judged. And i really don't understand why. I felt angry, but i thought about it again, and i think i should forgive people for being humans. Humans assume and judge, dont they?

Anyways, i don't agree with the concept, but i do agree with some of the values.

Because love is not about possessing someone, but wanting them to be happy. This is especially true. And i guess i dont need to explain further. Because this sentence explains all.

Today, felt much better. Went to mv with my mum, shopping spree again for 6 hours, and im having leg cramp now. But i felt happy. Get to spend time with my mum. And i bought 2 tops today, which is not my style!

But im actually working on my style/fashion now cause i wanted a change. Haha. And i sort of have the idea in my head already.

You know sometimes you just wanna be yourself, but sometimes you just dont wanna be yourself?

And now, i dont wanna be myself.

But im not gonna wear that kind of harajuku style of course, that's like so..yer. Lol.

My new style involves 3 main elements, 3S. - Sexy. Stylish. Sophisticated. =P

This project will last for 6 months, and i've actually started it. So by the end of June, you'll see me in a new approach, i hope. If my project doesn't fail. Lol.

Sigh. Im just too wu liao d.

...

2010-02-07T10:11:00.000-08:00

Yes. I am now filled with anger and hatred, so much that even God cant imagine. Cold blood running through my veins every second im still breathing. Just one night, and everything changed. No words can describe how i feel. U know how it felt like when you found out that those people you trusted lied to you? No. These people are not just some random friends. These people are important to you, and this is what hurts the most.

One is someone i loved before. One lie after another. Why did i fall for someone like you? I feel so dumb. Yes, you are right. I should open my eyes, not to realise how much you love me, but to realise all the lies you created. You broke the thing beating in you into infinite pieces. You killed her and took her soul away, leaving her cold and lifeless. All the tears, all the time i've wasted on you. I regretted knowing you, i really do. Are you happy to put me in this state? Are you happy to push me down the cliff to hell? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? Cause i hope you really are.

To know that one person lied to me is more than enough. More than enough to turn my life into shits. And you, why did you do this to me? It's ok, it's really ok if you intend to hurt me. But what breaks my heart the most is the fact that my parents trusted you. And you know who you are to me. You're never sincere, you are selfish cause all you think about is yourself. You don't care about anything. Im so stupid to believe that maybe there's a different side of you. All the pretendings. All the deceiving things you said. Words said can't be taken back, so i'll see you in hell. Cause that's what hell is about.

I was never the kind of person to be able to trust anyone easily. And now, i don't think i'll ever be able to trust anymore in this screwed up life of mine. Knowing that trusting is being foolish and being stupid. Trusting, will only get yourself hurt in the end.

I stayed awake till 6.30am, unable to accept all the unspeakable facts. Cried the whole morning, screamed as loud as i wanted because my heart ached and is still, blasted of the music, letting out the anger on the piano, speeded on the highway.. Came back home, not only do i need to pretend that everything's ok and pretend that im happy, i have to take care and make sure my mum is happy because her sickness attacked again. I feel like giving up on this tormenting, unreasonable life, i've lost a million reasons to live and i can't see the purpose anymore. But because i have a responsibility as a daughter, i can't leave yet. This is the only one reason why im living. When they're gone, so does me. But i hope i don't have to wait long to go to hell, because im praying every night that the world will really come to an end, as predicted.

Anyways, i found a way to get instant adrenaline. Close your eyes while speeding on highway. It's really fun. Lol. Trust me, im not a sane person. I've gone from crazy to demented. And yea. I feel very suicidal today, just that, sadly i can't die yet. Just sharing some suicidal thoughts.

Oh ya. And this is my blog, i have all the rights to write whatever i want. If you wanna judge me, im telling you, i DONT give a damn.

random article

2010-02-07T01:40:00.000-08:00

I came across this article entitled "Loving many=Loving more?" in the Sun StarMag paper. I thought it was interesting, yet controversial. But i've decided to post it up here.

Raymond spends 2 nights a week at the condo of Susan, who also meets up with Michael for meals, movies and sometimes "a bit more" at his place. Yew Ling is Raymond's occasional travel cum romance partner on short holidays. Michael aslo has a few companions cum girlfriends.

All the parties know about each other and are cool about it - a classic open relationship. These well-educated, middle class, English-speaking Malaysian Chinese are a nascent example of polyamory (literally, many loves)

A Newsweek article last July calls it "the next sexual revolution."

"Love is really about genuinely caring. You can love your brothers, sisters, children and animals - it's all plural. So why does your partner need to be limited to the singular?"

"I've been in many relationships but this the first time I'm in something like this. Yes, i felt jealous of Michael in the beginning, but I asked myself, 'Is love about controlling and owning a person?' If Susan is happy loving him, shouldnt i also be happy for her?

"I realised my feelings of insecurity were not about her or Michael. They were about my own issues which I had to deal with."

So how widespread is this idea? When you google "polyamory", you get 550 000 hits online. On Facebook, you can set your own relationship to single, married, divorced, in an open relationship, or even, "it's complicated".
And it does get more complicated.

Love first, not sex.

A basic explanation by Loving More, a polyamory advocacy group states that it's not really about having more sex, but having more love.

"The point is love, romance, intimacy and affection with more than 1 person, openly and ethically by mutual agreement all around. For some, sex is a driving factor in relationships. For others, romance and emotional or spritual connection are more important."

"Polyamory is not a fancy word for cheating because the latter involves deception and violation of an agreement," the group says.

"The point of polyamory is not secrecy, but openness, communication and sharing the love. It's about disclosure, trust and respect."

It's also not about "swinging" or 1960s style free love (which is strictly about sex) because polyamory emphasises "connection and relationship building."

"Polyamorists say that love should be unconditional, rather than the monogamous preposition that 'I will love you on the condition that you will not love anyone else.' They say love is an infinite, not a finite commodity.

"Polyamorists say that jealousy is not innate, inevitable and impossible to overcome. But they deal with jealousy often, usually successfully. There is a new term for the opposit of jealousy. 'Compersion' is the feeling of joy that comes from knowing that the one you love is well loved by someone else.

"I don't believe you can limit your love to one person. I think it's fine as long as the people involved are emotionally comfortable with it. I guess, at the end of the day, it's all up to people whether they want this lifestyle," says Susan.

In an article entitled Love Unlimited: The polyamorists in New Scientist magazine (July 7, 2006), evolutionary biologist David Barash of the University of Washington, Seattle,says: "The evidence is overwhelming that monogamy isn't natural."

Meg Baker, a professor of psychology at London South Bank University, adds "Infidelity in monogamous relationships is estimated at 60% to 70%, so it seems that attraction to more than one person is normal. The question is how we deal with that."

"There is this cool 40-something couple in advertising. The wife had a crush on another guy and told her husband about it. He replied 'if you really need to go, go ahead.' But later, she came back to him. I believe the relationship has lasted till now because of the freedom he gave her."

"When you say open relationships, it's just a question of how open. I don't think it's so common, but it's happening. People misunderstood that it's all about the sex. I do different activities with different partners. With one it's swimming or badminton, with another it's movies or discussing politics, or maybe a classical movie concert. Sex is just one part of the package."

Genuine care and concern are part of the ethos of open relationships, he adds.

"An open relationship is about 2 humans caring for each other without trying to own or possess each other."

*the names have been changed due to privacy purposes.

...

2010-02-03T07:57:00.000-08:00

i forgot your eyes that look into mine.

i forgot your voice.

i forgot.

isn't that good?

but i cant seem to forget the memories yet

but i know it'll fade off someday.

i hope.

i pray that i will.

...

2010-01-31T08:56:00.000-08:00

i cant sleep again. so dear blog, u'll be my company tonight.

repeating this song for more than 10 times d. and i dunno what's this feeling attacking me at this moment, causing my tears to fall incessantly.

why. why must you do this to me when im already trying so hard to forget this? i gave in all the courage to stand up and walk again, and you, made me fall over and over again. leaving me lying on the ground here, to start from scratch.

stop haunting me. stop tormenting my lifeless soul. stop torturing me. please.. down on my knees, i beg you to let me go. i cant stand this kind of pain any longer, i cant go through this. i cant, i really cant.

i really thought i can forget all the memories and let go. but i was lying to myself all along. pretending that i've moved on, though im actually dying here. still hanging on to the melancholic past memories. still hanging on to the dreams we once had.

felt like slapping myself at times. if i have a gun, i'll shoot myself.

i hate myself for being this way. really.

random updates

2010-01-29T09:11:00.000-08:00

January 26.

I told myself that this would be the last day. Let go everything and start over. I couldnt sleep that night as i spent the last few hours reminiscing the past, the memories, from the beginning till the very end. I've tried all kinds of way to forget, yet i know forgetting is impossible unless i lose my memory. Maybe i can pretend that our memory ended before i hit your bag that morning. There was where it supposed to end.

Someone told me before, that not letting go the past is being unfair to the people in my present. And maybe it's true after all.

January 27.

Went to midvalley with my mum. Shopping spree day, so i splurged. Bought a white knee-length short, a white tube, a white top and a red dress. Lol. Not that many, but the amount i spent today is equal to my 1 month's salary in Chilis. But i was happy. Splurging makes me happy at times. =) No. I wasnt happy, but i've never felt so alive. Then went for a haicut at Jantzen which turned out quite disastrous. Came back home about 6.30pm. There was another unexpected thing that enlightened me, but this is secret.

January 28.

Since i was kinda elated yesterday, i was afraid that today the feeling would be gone. Just like the aftermath of drinking alcohol. And it happened. I woke with tears and i didn know why. Maybe it was the dream i had last night. Spent the whole day at home.

January 29.

My parents went to consult a doctor and i waited at the cafe just next to the so-called clinic. It was 11am. I brought along my Da Vinci book which i have attempted to read many times before, and i've repeated reading the first few chapters over and over again. But i didnt read it as i was busy making calls to all the colleges. Ordered a cup of cappucino and a french toast, but didn manage to finish. I waited there for 3 hours. I was thinking of quite a lot of things, and addition to that, they decided to play that 3 particular Jay's songs in a row. Reminded me of things that i didn want to remember.

Then we went to Bangsar cause i wanted to go to the boutiques there. Went to Sevendays, who said it was nice again? It disappointed me. Then went to Purple Dotz, Musse, Baci, et cetera. But didnt get to go to Cats Whiskers as it was raining heavily. To be honest, the clothes there are not as nice as i thought! Maybe my expectations are too high. Haha.

About 5pm, my parents and i went to midvalley. I met up litwei and weiken for a while as today was their last day of work. Then i joined my parents for dinner. =)

January 31.

Last night i slept about 3am again. I have been having difficulty in sleeping these few days. Woke up early in the morning because im supposed to bring my grandparents to breakfast, along with my parents. We went for Dim Sum at Sg long. After breakfast, i helped my mum to make and fry the seaweed crackers. About 2, met up with chai. Went to Osaka cause she wanted to cut her hair, then we went to Oldtown in Sg long. Came back about 5.30.

Tmr until saturday, i'll be busy everyday. Lol. I'll update next week. =P

PS: Why do you have to leave?

...

2010-01-22T22:45:00.000-08:00

it was raining incessantly one evening.

she drove down the hill and stopped her car at the same place.

still the same scenery, nothing has changed..but everything to her.

watching every drop of rain falls, a sense of melancholy crept into the depths of her soul.

tears filled her eyes again, just when the painful memory forced itself into her mind, tormenting her lifeless soul.

an inexplicable pain pierced through her empty heart again.

and again.

random thoughts and updates

2010-01-21T07:07:00.000-08:00

i took mon and tues off from work as i wasnt feeling well. went to the clinic on mon morning, waited for about 1 hour there. there was this little girl about 3 or 4 years old with her mum. she is so cute! cause i was sitting beside her, and she was looking at me. so everytime i turned to look at her, she smiled at me while eating her lollipop. =) haha. she is really cute, or maybe im just fond of little kids.

this little girl has a sister who is a lil' older than her. maybe about 5 or 6 years old. sometimes she turned and looked at me too, but she was quiet and she didnt smile though i smiled at her. i dunno why but it made me think a lot cause it somehow reminded me of my sister and i. i was thinking, does the elder one feel abandoned because of the younger sister? is it the parents' fault that they they give more attention to the younger one? or is it the younger sister's fault for getting and having all the attentions? was it my fault that my sister turned out this way? can i blame myself for who she is today? cause if it's really me, then im willing to tolerate her more. im not the last child, so shouldnt i feel the same way as her? plus i was supposed to be the one having the middle child syndroms. but i dont feel that way cause i know my parents love me. doesnt matter how much they love me compared to my siblings, as long as i know they do, then i guess that's more than enough. sigh. just some random thoughts again.

on tues, was supposed to watch avatar with eunice but we had to cancel it. so in the end we just went for lunch around her housing area. then we decided to go bowling at metro point. we had to wait so we played pool 1st, i like it. =) then we played 2 games of bowling. 1st game.. Huey=54 points, Eunice= 62 points. yea.. then i aimed for 60 points and eunice aimed for 70 points for the next game. and guess what? 2nd game.. Huey= 39 points, Eunice=81 points. sigh..i know i really suck in bowling. 2 games, but i was really exhausted and drained out already. then we went parkson for a while cause eunice needed to get something. drove her back, and i went back home to sleep. i had a great day cause it has been a long time since we hang-out. =)

at night, went dinner with Eunice and birthday boy. cause it was his birthday and eunice wanted to go to the night market at sg long to get some things. we went to eat at this place called Look Out Point. and someone kept complaining that the place not high class enough la, no aircond and open area la, then it's not fine dining la.. even im not that fussy! =.= i ended up eating 1 piece of pizza cause i wasnt feeling well. had our dinner until nearly 10pm, thanks to someone who ate so slow. lol. then went to the night market. we decided to buy the birthday boy a huge rubiks cube for his collection. sigh..not only not appreciated, but so many complains. then about 11.30pm, they came to my house just to get a marker pen to sign or write something on the cube, as the birthday boy wished. then before the clock striked 12am, eunice and birthday boy went to lee's house to get her signature. i didnt go cause it was kinda late and i wasnt feeling right. they made it there before 12. well, of course have to make it rite.. haha.. she's someone important and someone missed her presence. lol. no hard feelings!

on wed i went to work. my shift started at 11am. i still wasnt feeling well but i forced myself to work cause i wanted to. Weiken's shift started at 9am so i went alone. when i stood there waiting for the train, i was still thinking whether i should work cause i felt dizzy and i couldnt walk properly due to my leg's condition. at the first few hours, was quite ok, still able to work like normal. but the last few hours, i was half dead already. i was kinda happy that i was actually an existence cause when i went there, my trainer and some of my co-workers were quite concern. =) anyways, i made a lot of mistakes that day. first, i forgot to delay a main entree, then i forgot the abbreviations for the meals and forgot the table numbers. supposed to send the food to table 36, but i went to table 9. sigh.

at night, went to see a chinese doctor again. g0t new medicines, like i said God must be punishing me for saying that i missed eating medicines in fb. lol. then my right feet is swollen and doctor said i wouldnt be able to wear the safety boots for work until it recovers cause it is kinda serious. and i was so dumb to only realised that it was swollen that time. so i took MC again for 2 days.

today i went to chilis to hand-in my MC and wrote my resignation letter. i was supposed to resign next fri with Lit wei and Wei ken, but i couldnt work anymore so i had to resign. felt kinda sad that i was finally leaving this place, though it was just a short period of time, but there were still memories. my trainer, kesavan wanted to treat me a meal so i to go a sandwich. he is a really nice person, one of the characters that i'll miss. said goodbyes to some ppl and left.

went home about 1.30pm. then had to go sumwhere else to see a doctor for my swollen feet. he was like a chiropractic doctor, and trust me, what he did to my feet was very, very painful! i still have to go again next week. sigh..3 doctors in 1 week. this is so not happening to me. after that my sis went to do facial so all of us had to wait for about an hour, and i fell asleep on the couch there. went dinner at this place called Hainan Western, only the lamb chop was nice. Reached home and fell asleep cause i was over exhausted and the sick feelings attacked again.

gotta go sleep now. .zzzZZ.

...

2010-01-20T08:50:00.000-08:00

these tears, i cant hold back any longer..i cant.

dream

2010-01-17T22:26:00.000-08:00

there's this random inexplicable dream that i had last nite and i could remember it quite clearly. lol.

ok. i was suddenly a train stewardess. not the malaysia kind, but the ancient, formal, high class type where i was wearing the uniform and the hat. you know in the english movies? yea..that kind. i remembered Wei ken was there also, working with me. haha. i was collecting the tickets from the passengers who were boarding the train. then there were some commotions happening inside, so i went in to assist. after a few moments, the door closed and i panicked. i was like "omg, i dunno where's this train heading to!"

...................................................................................................

i was in chilis, in one closed room with madam Beewan, the training manager. Thanendran, one of the workers from chilis, came running in. he was panting and wearing an oxygen mask.

"sorry madam, i couldnt save the victims", was what he said. i assumed that there was a fire sumwhere.

then madam beewan acted violently by hitting him on the face and he fell on the floor.

...................................................................................................

now i was in a closed container, with about 5 to 6 strangers. there was water flowing from somewhere and it was rising swiftly. the strangers were unconscious and they were probably dead as the water was already above their heads. i tried to reach to the upper level but i knew i would die soon as i was already giving up hope to find my way out. but somehow i reached to the top and i managed to open the exit door. tis is like a part of the ship. apparently, when i succeded in opening it, a man at the corner, who had his hair tied up in a ponytail, opened his eyes and went out through the exit.

here comes the irony. this compartment/container that i was in, was on a jetty, overlooking a sea. the scenery was breathtaking. i managed to pull myself up but i was drained out of energy. then i saw him. he was someone i know, lets name him Evan. Evan was standing with a lot of other people, enjoying the breeze and the view of the sea. i tried calling his name, i think i was screaming my lungs out. then he turned around but he couldnt see me. i think he heard me, but he couldnt detect where the sound came from. i was drained out of energy and out of breath, i saw him running around looking for the sound. i was still standing on top of the 2.5 metres high container but i felt very dizzy, so i fell on the ground.

Evan came after a few moments. he carried me up and asked whether i was okay. i was more conscious that time and i managed to stand up. he hugged me tightly and said something like "thank god you are still alive." his worried expression was fading as he was relieved now. he was so happy that he carried me and swing me around (like in those movies again, lol) and i kissed Evan on his lips. he was very surprised when i did that. but i think to be able to survive in that near-death experience, i would have kissed just anybody. (but depends) haha.

then we walked along the jetty. i could hear the sound of the waves crashing and the cool breeze that brushed against my skin. then Evan sat on a chair/couch which was overlooking the sea. suddenly, i felt weak. i knew that something was wrong, could be some internal bleeding but i acted calm. that time i knew that i was going to die. i asked Evan whether i could lie down on his lap and he allowed me to. maybe he saw my pale face or felt the coldness of my body, he cuddled me tightly and i could hear his heartbeat. this was only a dream, but the heartbeat was very real.

and after a few moments, i took my last breath.

-the end-

...

2010-01-17T07:43:00.000-08:00

yesterday..
went to midvalley to meet up with meiyan, siti and nazreen. i reached early so i went to zouk bar to wait for them. i wanted to order sex on the beach, but the waiter said it was kinda strong for me so i took gin fizz in the end. it was kinda tasteless to me. haha.. he didnt know my alcohol capabilities, couldnt blame him. i want to try all the cocktails there. so instead of hanging out at starbucks, im gonna go zouk bar instead. =)

then they came and we went for lunch at chilis. definitely a wrong choice. after that, we went shopping and took some pictures. this might be the last time i'll be seeing siti because she's flying off to tasmania in feb, but we promised to visit her in tasmania during her break. haha. then i can fly from melbourne to perth to tasmania. should be fun! money is not a problem, but to get my parents' permission is a huge problem. sigh.

today..
fell sick. woke up feeling very dizzy and unable to consume anythin. feel like vommitting every second i breathe. slept for 5 hours straight in the afternoon. just felt like lying on my bed and sleep forever so that i dont need to wake up anymore. i've started to hate the feeling of waking up. cause everytime i wake up, there's this kind of emptiness that creeps into every inch of my soul, and i'll tell myself, i cant move on. i dont wanna live anymore but i have to.

i dreamt of hugging you tightly. you were wearing the white topshop shirt. the smell of your perfume and the warmth of your body was so real to me. and then the next moment, you were gone. to be honest, i'd rather not have this dream. i woke up with tears and i had to spend the whole day feeling down as i kept recalling the dream about you. then had another unforgettable nightmare.

signing off..

...

2010-01-16T06:55:00.000-08:00

everytime i wanted to update some happy events, i was filled wit sudden sadness so i always ended up posting all the emo ones. lol. a lot of things happened this week. im gonna start from tues.

went to work on tues like usual. i was kinda distracted that day so i made a lot of mistakes. sigh. i took the wrong order and then i forgot to send the drinks! yea..how bad was my service. in the end, the manager had to send me to break immediately and i was assigned to take care of the new wing which only had 2 tables of customers. lol.

table 35. there were 2 middle east men and 1 of them was extremely hot! until the point where i was too shy to look right into his eyes everytime he looked at me when i took the order, refilled the drinks, served the dishes, pre-buzzing or took the bill! 38 d..and guess what? they gave me rm13.85 tips!

then after work, we stayed for dinner there as we had free meals. lit wei and wei ken requested for all the dressings and mr manok, im not quite sure how to spell his name, gave us all the 17 dressings! he was damn cool! we had bbq sauce, ranch, avacado ranch, guacamole, thousand island, honey mustard, chipotle ranch, blackpepper and mushroom gravy, bgv, etc... then we took the tostada chips with the salsa also. =)

i took off days on wed and thurs. spent wed at home, was very emo. i realised that playing piano also will make me cry for no reason. really felt like slapping myself at times. then i drove out to sumwhere and im either driving at 30 km/h or 120km/h. cause i was crazy, imagining myself speeding and letting go the steering. lol. i tink dying this way is cool. someday when i lost the reason to live, then i'll do it. =P in the evening, went swimming for more than 2 hours without stopping. i didnt know where i obtained so much energy but i didnt feel tired at all. proportion of pain is too high, couldnt feel anythin else anymore.

then on thurs, what i can is i had a great day. =)

fri went to work, my shift was 12 to 5 but i went early cause i wanted to make the mashed potatoes. lol. the QA trainer, sharom abandoned his main work and taught me how to make the potatoes instead, and for that, i really appreciated it. he was a very funny guy and very noisy also, always singing loudly in the kitchen. i looked like a retarded person in the stupid hairnet and the apron cause i didn buy the kitchen apron, so i had to use the plastic apron which is acually meant for the dishwasher! lol. anyways, mashing 13kg of potatoes was definitely not easy! but 1st time, so i kinda enjoyed it. was drained out of energy. it was also a very interesting day cause 2 managers told me about their personal lives out of a sudden. talked about guys with manager S, she said i like geek looking guys! then discussed with manager A about which lady was hotter in 1 of the tables. haha. it was really fun.

before we left, something happened that made me quite sad and disappointed, but im not gonna say it here. sometimes you put certain expectations on someone, but they are just not what u expected them to be. sometimes you care, but you dont know why you should. but anyways, it's over. just dont wanna think about it anymore.

...

2010-01-13T01:20:00.000-08:00

Today.. went driving around aimlessly. I took 2 days off, didnt know what to do. tried speeding to the max, but the stupid car can only reach 120km/h. the best part was the swerve i did single handedly at 70km/h, and i nearly collided with a car on the side. lol. but only a few seconds of adrenaline rush, not satisfying enough.

i need to find something new. speeding, jumping pool and drinking dont work anymore. haha. lack of creativity, but i was thinking drinking and speeding makes a good combination. =)

i know this is being too selfish. the only reason that im still alive is because of my parents, they need me and i cant leave them yet. if it's not because of them, i've probably died long time ago.

someone told me that i still have friends and family. but the fact is i've lost everything. i lost in touch with everyone else, all the friends i used to have. the reason was i wanted let go of my past, forget every single thing and start over. i know. say im weird or insane. i know i've been isolating myself from the world, disappearing and staying diconnected is like a routine to me. getting used to the loneliness and emptiness.

someone told me that im a very strong person. yea.. maybe i am. or maybe my pretending skills have improved. i've been keeping everything to myself, not wanting people to know or care. refused to show the emotions that im feeling because im afraid of being judge. yea, im this kind of person.. knowing that i cant stand anymore, still wanna pretend that i can. i dont wanna be defeated by myself, so i have to fake every smile and every laugh no matter how im breaking down from the inside.

just now went there myself. didn know why i wanted to go there. sat on the same table, ordered the toast bread that you like. reminiscing the memories that we had there.

just like last time, im gonna go to every places we went before to recollect back all the memories, then let them go once and for all. alternative is to suffer from memory lost, which is what im wishing for. make things easier. but that will only happen if God decided to help me. lol. i dont think im worth saving anyways.

goin swimming now, though i feel like just wanna lie down on the bed helplessly.

memories

2010-01-11T07:13:00.000-08:00

These days.. The days without you.

Im still able to fake a smile, when im breaking down from the inside.

Still able to pretend that nothing has happened, though i know it clearly that im lying to myself.

Convincing myself to believe in my own lies.

Still able to pretend that im moving on, though im actually falling deeper.

I dont know how much longer i can hold back these tears.

Until now? Cause my tears are already falling helplessly as im typing these words.

Everywhere i go, everything i do.. memories of you keep haunting me.

Passed by BR. Telling myself that i wont eat them anymore cause i know they are tasteless.

Went to the food court which we went twice. Unable to eat anything.

Couldnt help myself from looking at the place where you always sat at the bar, waiting for me.

At the arcade, i won in the car race. We shot the dinosaurs together and we played basketball.

When my sister was watching the Ugly Truth, i nearly cried. The movie we watched together.

Sitting down on the couch next door, reminds me of you.

Looking at the seatbelt holder that you broke, i feel pain.

Walking at The Gardens, passing by the shops, i feel pain.

Holding the shirt you wore before, i feel pain.

Eating or sleeping will also feel pain.

Looking at your pictures and the ring with your name carved on it, causes even more pain.

Listening to your favourite songs, every beat is like a sharp knife being stabbed right into my heart.

Not doing anything also will feel this endless, inexplicable pain.

When the rain falls, where every drop represents my love for you, kills me the most. I remembered that i told you this in taylors D floor when it was raining one evening.

And what hurts the most.. is passing by the place which stored our last, happiest moment- Watching fireworks with you on top of the hill.

It was 12am, Jan 1 2010.

26th of June 2009

2010-01-09T05:10:00.000-08:00

White berg,

I had loved you, i love you and i will always love you.

Blue berg.

...

2010-01-08T00:38:00.000-08:00

Staring at you from a distance,
With my eyes full of tears,
My heart shatters into pieces,
Broken, now it all seems so clear,
You gave me nothing but empty promises.

Staring at you from a distance,
Reminds me of all the memories we had,
The good and the bad,
Together, we were once so happy,
With you by my side, I've never felt empty,
You were always there even when i cry,
Just like an antidote that gets me by.

Staring at you from a distance,
I felt an infinite pain in my heart,
Too long we've been apart,
No matter how much i love you,
I couldnt make you see,
The memories of you are haunting me,
But day by day, all of it seems to fade away,
Hurt, there's nothing left to say.

...

2010-01-07T08:47:00.000-08:00

memories. from the 1st day we met until the last day. they are flooding into my mind, haunting me every second no matter how hard i try to distract myself by doing other things and keeping myself busy. im so lost, so helpless. i dont know whether i'll get through this this time.

mistake by mistake. i cant turn back the time to change things. and every second that passes will never repeat, which left us, humans, 2 choices. move on with life or end it.

moving on without you is equal to being lifeless. like an empty soul, empty and unable to feel anything but this excruciating pain. i dunno how long i can pretend that nothing has happened, i dunno how long i can fake a smile, i dunno how long i can live without you.

if God can grant me 1 wish now, i want to lose my memory. then i'll be able to forget everything and start over.

...

2010-01-05T08:58:00.000-08:00

Monday
School reopens. Back to the normal routine of a student. At least they have something to look forward to, something to aim and to achieve. But here i am, floating, or maybe drowning in the middle of the sea. Waiting, just waiting for the time to pass.

Anyways, today i served a table consisting a family of 4. They purposely gave me rm 2 tips! And the son was very shy. Lol. Some small things in life that makes me happy. =) But later on, the manager took the order for me and she made a mistake as she forgot to key in 1 main entree. Then the customer complained to me. Swt. After that i had to face another complain for the host's problem. Went back home feeling so disheartened, then my mum said things that i didnt like to hear. Sigh. I nearly cried that night.

Tuesday
I forgot what happened today. I just knew i got rm 12+ tips today. Lol.

Wednesday
Today was the best! In the morning, i helped Chan to set up the bartender and i became the assistant bartender. Lol. Then i was supposed to be in charged of the patio with Timothy but there were no customers in the patio! So we just spent a few hours talking and hanging out. Haha. The last hour i went back to the bar. Nirmala gave me a cap, cause it is compulsory for anyone who enters the bar to wear a cap. The cap was too loose so it covered my eyes. Chan saw me and laughed cause he said i looked like a japanese cartoon. Swt. Anyways, i made chocolate shake! =)

Then some funny things happened, and i just couldnt stop smiling for the rest of the day. =p

Thursday
Today i was put in station 2. A busy day. Towards the end felt quite emo due to all the thoughts that came into my mind. Came back feeling very tired and drained out of energy. Fell asleep.

...

2009-12-26T05:14:00.000-08:00

I had always wanted to dedicate this song to someone. This song represented exactly how i felt at that moment. If only you knew..

只能陪你到這裡
畢竟有些事不可以
超過了友情　
還不到愛情
遠方就要下雨的風景

到底該不該哭泣
想太多是我還是你
我很不服氣　
也開始懷疑
眼前的人　
是不是同一個真實的你

曖昧讓人受盡委屈
找不到相愛的證據
何時該前進
何時該放棄
連擁抱都沒有勇氣

曖昧讓人變得貪心
直到等待失去意義
無奈我和你　
寫不出結局
放遺憾的美麗
停在這裡.

...

2009-12-24T01:32:00.000-08:00

This week is already the 2nd week of work. My muscles are starting to ache and my legs are starting to cramp. Working as a food server is not easy!

The 1st week was really cool. We had classroom session. We have to memorise the menus and take 5 tests. I've completed day 3 test! 2 more to go. Then we watched the videos of the history of the restaurant, safety precautions and how to handle the customers. We also had role play where Wei ken, Lit wei and i took the turns to take orders with the guidance of our "hot" trainer. Lol. He was really a fun person. Classroom sessions were the best, we had a lot of laughs together. :)

This week, Kesawan did not come on mon and tues. The time flew so slowly, felt like giving up the jobs at times. I had to become the food runner on mon and i suck! Cause i cant take 2 plates at once cause the plates are very heavy and hot! Now i know why there are no waitresses working there at all, all waiters only. Tues was much better cause i followed another food server as a trainee so all i did was just taking some orders and the cleaning up part. Milan gave me the tips from 1 of the customers, rm 1.60. Lol. He is a really nice person else from mr sailendra and francis.

This week i made some mistakes:

1. The customer wanted me to cut the cob into 3 pieces. She talked to me in cantonese and i did not hear properly so i thought she wanted the cob to be sliced! Sigh.
2. I made tea for a customer. The water is not hot! Blame the stupid machine, but i should have known. Sigh.
3. Failed as a food runner. Dont like this job! SIGH.

Anyways, they provide a lunch meal everyday and the food taste good! And after we completed the 5 tests, we get 3 free meals. And as a worker, we have 30% off when we dine in.

I dont know why i wanna work, but the 3 main reasons are:

1. Becoming more like a pig. I need to do something to fill my excessive empty time.
2. Dont wanna see someone everyday.
3. When emo, at least got something to do to distract myself.

I wont be working on new year anyways. Taking 3 days off next week. Very lazy d, plus the job is non-sustainable. But i will only be working for 2 months, so i'll stop by 1st week of feb.

...

2009-12-24T01:20:00.000-08:00

Today is christmas eve. Decided not to work. Hmm.. In the morning went to maybank to open a new account to bank in my salary from work. And now i have a new debit card! The usage is like a credit card.

Advantage: Can use it during emergency or when im short of cash. hehe. =p
MAJOR disadvantage: The money inside the account will run out very soon, then declare bankruptcy.
ps: im always short of cash!

Then went to Taman Desa cause my mum wanted to see the chiropractic doctor. I saw 2 cockroaches! After that went to Taylors to collect my results. It felt so awkward to step on the college ground. All the memories, seems like it was so long ago. Also went to My Place for a while, they had demolished the playground.

Came back home about 2 something and online until now.

...

2009-12-19T08:15:00.000-08:00

16th of December

Woke up late. Got ready and rushed to work. Didnt have time to check my SAM results online which was released at 6.30am. Was busy the whole day so i managed to get myself distracted from thinking of how my results would turn out to be. Afraid to face it with confidence. A lot of wat ifs flowing into my fragile mind. On the way back in the train, my heart was beating faster every second and i looked very down. Wei ken was there to witness my expression. Lol. But i want to thank him also for making me feel better as i was already very scared and anxious at that moment.

Reached home about 7.30. I couldnt wait any longer so i went to check my SACE results. Was already very calm that time. Probably because i didnt have the energy to care anymore.

I couldnt believe my eyes when i saw it. It wasnt that good, but im glad because it is sufficient to get in the university i want. I thank God for giving me a second chance. Really..it was a miracle to me. I promise i'll study very hard next year onwards. I really will this time. Thank You so much.

...

2009-12-12T18:27:00.000-08:00

DAMN EMO TODAY.

I dunno why. Woke up in the morning feeling very angry. Then felt like crying. Frustration took over.

Signs of pms? I hope so, but it's not. Things i desired to do NOW:

1..Speed on highways. I wanna feel the adrenaline rush.

2..Screaming my lungs out. But where to?

3..Running along the beach. Very dramatic rite? Running to the sea- even more drama.

Ended up lying on my bed the whole day. Dunno whether i should g0 watch meteors tonite.

..really wanna make a wish..

...

2009-12-10T05:47:00.000-08:00

"SAM results might be coming out on the 14th of December."

I don't know what i'm feeling now or what i should be feeling. Most part of me has given up, yet a small part of me is still hoping for a miracle. I know i screwed and i've already expected the results. But i'm afraid to face the truth. MUFY results are out and one of my friends is very happy as she obtained the results she wanted. I asked myself, "what have you done in this whole year?" and i admitted that i didn't take my studies seriously. Not like SPM. And now i'm filled with so much regrets. Why didn't i study harder? WHY?

I've already got the conditional offer to the institution which i hope to enter. I was so exhilarated when i received it, but the moment i opened it and saw TER 75, i became numb as deep inside i know i couldn't get in. These few days all i wanted to do is to mentally prepare myself for the worst to come. And what hurts the most is imagining how disappointed my parents, especially my dad would be. If only time can turn back, i hate this phrase so much. Because time can never turn back and i can only learn from mistakes.

I hate myself. I really do. Why am i so dumb? Why can't i think rationally? Why must i repeat the same mistakes over and over again?

I asked God,
Will You forgive me though i've committed so many sins?
Will You stay with me though i've abandoned my prayers to You?
Will You give a second chance?

I deserve an eternal punishment but my parents do not. This is all i'm asking for..please.
I've never trust myself but i really do believe in your plans for me.

Miracle..still hoping for the impossible.